


The Avenger (A horror story of sorts)

by theseductivelamp



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Benedict Cumberbatch - Freeform, Cate Blanchett - Freeform, Cursed, Everyone Is Gay, Implied Sexual Content, Multi, Parody, Sexual Content, Simon Pegg - Freeform, The Avengers (2012) - Freeform, avengers alternate universe, gwyneth paltrow - Freeform, keith habbersburger, tom hanks - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-20 03:07:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20668295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theseductivelamp/pseuds/theseductivelamp
Summary: What happens when Hom Tanks, better known to the world as Testiclese, gets thrown dick first into a new world, full of ancient gods of sexiness, a magical pancreas, and a woman known as Satan who is always surrounded by the song Havana? Join Testiclese, Cumberbooty, Wondertits, Frogtits, Keith and The Dickless Wonder as they re-write history and prove to the world that they, The Avengers, can do anything.





	1. Chapter 1

Hom Tanks awoke with a start, hearing a loud bang in his kitchen. He shot to his feet, tearing off his tighty whities and throwing on a good thick leather thong. He always made sure to have at least a couple of pairs handy in case of emergencies.

Breathing heavily through his misshapen nostrils, Hom opened the door quietly, peering out into the dark hallway. He heard another bang, watching his grandmother's favorite china fall to the floor, shattering. “Grammy Olga! Your china has fallen! Oh dearie me!” Hom shouted, charging into the kitchen. “I will avenge you!” He said, pulling out his long metal dildo from his large ass.

Holding it out in front of him, Hom approached the intruder cautiously but feared his nostrils would give him away, so in a panic, he used his powers to turn his nose into yet another set of testicles. That way, he could cover up his identity enough for the time being.   
Suddenly, a puff of strong wind wisped passed Hom’s face. Hom breathed a sigh of relief as he watched his trusty sidekick, Frogtits, approached from the darkness. “Oh Frogtits, you broke poor Grammy Olga’s vase!” He smiled, patting his friend’s head. Frogtits’ only redeeming quality was his smarts. He wasn’t kind, muscular, or underweight, or so the rumours had said.  
Testiclese begged to differ, knowing there was more to old Frogtits than met the eye, and he was right; the man could manipulate time. It was manipulated by rubbing Frogtits’ moobs. If the moobs twisted around in a counterclockwise fashion, time would reverse, going back up to as much as a year If the opposite occurred, and the moobs swung clockwise, time could spring forward, also at a max of 1 year   
This would have been nice if Frogtits were a kind and helpful soul. Unfortunately, he was mostly evil and cunning, only obeying Hom when absolutely necessary.   
“Well, now I have to sweep up Grammy’s china! Frogtits be more careful! You scared one of my balls off!” Testiclese cried. Frogtits frowned, slapping Hom (Commonly known as Testiclese) repeatedly.   
“Your stupid china don’t matter to me.”  
Hom put up with it for a moment, then grabbed his fallen ball, and went to fetch a broom for his fallen china. “Twas a good set” he sniffled, sweeping it into the garbage bin. Wiping the tears from his eyes, Hom set out to give Frogtits a firm spanking. He grabbed a wooden spoon, tossing it for a moment, then gripped it firmly. Hom raised his arm and took a good swing at his sidekick. Frogtits grabbed the spoon angrily, ripping it out of Hom’s grip. Suddenly, Hom heard another noise. It was a big gay potato rolling off the counter. Frogtits had been previously making soup with the gay potatoes. Then, when he fed the soup to Hom, Hom nearly threw up, because instead of using chicken broth, Frogtits had used suspicious-looking fluids. The meat was three-week-old cow tongue from the unrefrigerated basement, and the veggies were from the “gay, hairy and sexy” line of products from last week’s erotic farmers market.  
I’ll let you guess how a ‘sexy’ vegetable is supposed to look. I’ll give you a hint, they’re very hairy.

\--- --- --- --- --- --- ---

At this point in the story, there was an arousing pancreas robbery happening at the hospital. There was a villain attempting to steal someone’s pancreas during a life-saving surgery.  
It was the world's sexiest pancreas, and worth millions. It was practically made of gold.  
The owner of such a rare pancreas was the one and only undead Smon Peeg, better known to the world as the Dickless Wonder. Smon Peeg had a strange obsession with the song ‘Single Ladies’ and since he had many surgeries, he loved to have that song playing while he underwent his operations. Unfortunately, he died during one of them. Luckily, Smon practiced the magic of the sacred tit and was able to bring himself back to life as a zombie, for the small price of his dick. He, of course, wept like a mad fool after the fact, realizing he’d never be able to show his horn ever again. He could never get sprung, and never have proper, hardcore sexual relationships. After debating suicide after saving his own life, Smon finally came to the conclusion that even though he couldn’t have a regular sex life, he could still do 4 out of five sex positions, so all was not lost.  
With that side note, we’re back into the story.   
Hom felt a buzz on his alert bracelet, complete with little tiny dick charms. This let him know there was an emergency, and that he had to go there at once. The location popped into his head, and he was off. Frogtits would not be joining him this time, considering the damage he could do with a single twist of his moobs.   
“On my way!” Hom cried, prancing down the street, completely forgetting to lock his door. “Instant teleportation” He muttered. BAM. Suddenly he was in the operating room, watching the robber, posing as a surgeon, work at the pancreas. “Stop right there, you insane fool” Hom cried, pointing his (very pointy) finger at the assailant. “Who the hell are you supposed to be, nut man?” the robber asked, pancreas in hand, blood everywhere. “Me? I am the famous Testiclese, keeper of the time god, and Home to over 69 hanging dicks. Those dicks of course, cover my body. I am blessed with each and every one of them. I cherish them as if they were my children!” Hom announced, “Now, who are you?!”   
“I am the great and mighty Benadryl Cabbagepatch, the smuckpatch god of Sexyness and ass, commonly known across the planet as Cumberbooty, and I am the protector of all the world's glorious asses. I need this pancreas for a science experiment. I need this one in particular because of its rare and seductive qualities! It was originally designed by the all powerful Tit to make all the booties thicccc and juicy.”  
“I see, well, in that case, have at it!” Hom said lustfully, raising his arms up, taking a long look at Cumberbooty’s thicc, arousing behind. To clear his mind from the pure sexyness radiating from the man in front of him, Hom took one accidental look at the ceiling lights and screamed. The lights were so bright that his eyes burned out, and he became instantly blind. “AAAAAHHH” Hom yelled, prancing around the room like an aroused duck, his testicles waving madly.   
Hearing the commotion, Smon Peeg awoke from his slumber, and upon seeing the crazy man covered in testicles screaming and running around the surgical suite, he panicked, and with a high pitched squeal, his ass fell off.  
Cumberbooty, though already halfway out of the hospital, could sense that a glorious booty was in distress, and with a shout, the god of Sexyness and The Booty took off back towards the operating room.   
He burst through the doors, and was greeted by the sight of Hom searching for his eyeballs on the ground, but the real horror was Smon, still squealing, hole in his abdomen from where his pancreas had been, and his beautiful ass lying on the ground next to him.   
“NO! NO, SUCH A BEAUTIFUL ASS. I MUST SAVE IT!” Cried Benadryl, and with a loud snort, he pointed at the butt on the floor, and it began glowing.  
“Wait! Great and powerful Booty man, I beg of you, I must see all that sexy, seductive, delicious flesh again, please, give me new eyes” Moaned Hom, desperate to see again.  
“Fine, I shall, but I warn you, they'll be far sexier than your last ones” warned The Cumberbooty, and with a blinding flash of light, Smon was reunited with his bottom, and Hom’s eye sockets were filled by a large pair of testicles. When his work there was done, Benadryl turned to the door, large hips swaying. “But sir Cumberbooty, will we see you again?” asked Hom hopefully, watching the hips as they moved seductively. “Of course you will. That is, if you interfere with my pancreatic indulgence again” the Cumberbooty said. And with that, Hom and the The Dickless Wonder were alone.


	2. The Elmo Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when Hom Tanks, better known to the world as Testiclese, gets thrown dick first into a new world, full of ancient gods of sexiness, a magical pancreas, and a woman known as Satan who is always surrounded by the song Havana? Join Testiclese, Cumberbooty, Wondertits, Frogtits, The Dickless Wonder as they re-write history and prove to the world that they, The Avengers, can do anything.

The room was covered in Smon’s blood, and yet he didn’t seem to notice it at all. “Sir, sorry to bother you, but aren’t you going to bleed out?” Hom asked, glancing around the room.  
“Don’t you know a damn thing? I am immortal thanks to a ritual performed to the almighty and powerful tit!” Smon announced in his thicc Scottish accent.  
“You know the ways of the sacred tit? But how? Only a few people know the rituals, so tell me, how did you find out?”  
“Research. Lots and lots of it. I had a fair amount of free time, considering my numerous operations. During the recovery periods, I had time to slowly piece together information that allowed me to learn the ways of the sacred tit, and bring me back to life before it was too late” Smon explained, rubbing his aching ass, annoyed that it still hurt.  
“You poooooooor nipple!” Hom exclaimed, seeing that Smon was in pain, and with an almighty grunt, Hom called upon the power of the tit, filling the room with disco lights and the lovely sound of “Never gonna give you up”. Smon grinned at Hom, the ass pain having vanished.  
“Thanks you good sir” Shouted Smon over the sound of the song. “I feel so much better now, I feel like my lovely booty has been filled with butterflies and tickle me elmos. Can you feel it vibrating?” 

Hom reached over and felt the butt, and it was in fact vibrating, and when he called upon the tit to get the music to go away, he could hear the terrifying sound of millions of tiny tickle me Elmos laughing. “Why doth thyne buttocks vibrate so?” Hom asked, trying to emulate Shakespeare. “Huh? I don’t know, maybe it was the rick astley music” Smon shrugged, rubbing his shaking ass. “No. You have an infection. I must cure it with the sacred tit magic in order to exorcise the demon elmos” Hom announced, “But I do not have the power. We must call upon the sacred god of titties, the god of all tits and magic surrounding them, Wondertits!”

Hearing her name being called from anywhere was one of the god of tits’ power. She appeared suddenly, all the lights in the room shattering from her magical powers. “I am Wondertits, god of tits and voluptuous curves of women. I have been called upon in order to exorcise demon elmos from a buttock that my idiot brother benadryl so hastily re-attached.”  
“Bitch!” yelled Cumberbooty from the distance.  
“I am not a bitch, but rather a simple hoe, looking for a fuck buddy” Wondertits said. “I very unfortunately fucked my last one, who by the way was named frog, to death. My massive hanging titties crushed him as we had sex for the time that hour. Shame, he was good in bed” Wondertits said, looking thoughtfully at her large chest.  
“That's a shame, miss tits, but we need you to help, my ass is filled with Elmos!” exclaimed Smon, wiggling uncomfortably as the Elmos vibrated. “I see. Well then, let me show you my power” Wondertits said, holding out her hands. She grabbed Smon’s wriggling ass and let out a deep breath. “Why are you squeezing my ass?” Smon asked, shifting hornily, licking his lips. “Just hold on to your titties love” Wondertits smiled, closing her eyes. Smon’s ass began to glow with a brilliant white light. One by one, all the laughing Elmos became silent, and filed out of Smon’s ass. They walked in a line down his leg and onto the floor, heads hung low. Then, Wondertits let go of his ass and aimed her glowing hands at all the Elmos. They all held up their hands, ready to meet their fate. Wondertits let the light flow from her hands, and the Elmos vanished in sparkly mist. “And good riddance,” she said, puffing out her chest. “Ms. tits, that was simply incredible!” Smon exclaimed, looking down at his ass. “All my Elmos are gone completely!” he said, giving it a good thwack.  
“Glad to be of service, Mr. Peeg,” Wondertits said, bowing dramatically. “Unfortunately, I must be on my way now. I’ll see you around, Mr. Dickless wonder, though I must say, I don’t approve of one such as yourself. A man without his vital organ, living forever?! Preposterous!” Wondertits exclaimed. She began to shimmer, and then, in a poof of white dust, she vanished out of sight. 

Smon fell backwards onto the bed moaning the moment Wondertits disappeared.  
“Oh, if only I had a dick, then the great and powerful Cumberbooty would know how horny he makes me” he cried to the others in the room, rubbing his hands, rough from years of hella sexy fuck sessions, over his body.  
“Get yourself together man!” exclaimed Hom, arms full of the tickle me Elmos that were still emerging from the ass. “That arousing man just stole your pancreas! The world's sexiest pancreas! Oh, we just must get it back!”  
“Ah, you’re right! I shouldn’t be sulking here while Mr. sexy man runs off with my most prized possession!” Smon Peeg cried, sitting upright again.  
“Atta boi!” Hom slapped Smon’s back, grinning like a mad fool. 

All of a sudden, Frogtits, who had arrived sometime after the Elmo ass incident, let out an almighty screech upon seeing the number of body parts littered across the floor of the surgical suite.  
“YOU BIG FAT TITTIE DILDO HEAD! YOU HAVE AIDS” Hom cried, slapping his forehead. “I told you to stay the fuck behind on this one!”  
“Fuck you! I can do whatever the hell I want!” Frogtits yelled back, wiggling uncontrollably.  
“You’re supposed to be my trusty sidekick! How can I trust you when you disobey every single order I give!” Hom wailed, throwing his hands up in the air (Like he just don’t care).  
“You don’t give orders you dump truck!” Frogtits argued, sitting down on the bloodied bed next to Smon.

“Come on y’all, we have to find my pancreas!” Exclaimed Smon, still unbelievably horny.  
“He’s right, Frogtits, this is more important than you not following my orders. Let’s go get that pancreas!”


	3. Smee and Wallop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when Hom Tanks, better known to the world as Testiclese, gets thrown dick first into a new world, full of ancient gods of sexiness, a magical pancreas, and a woman known as Satan who is always surrounded by the song Havana? Join Testiclese, Cumberbooty, Wondertits, Frogtits, The Dickless Wonder as they re-write history and prove to the world that they, The Avengers, can do anything.

I bet you’re wondering what in the dickens is wrong with us, and this story. We’re probably high, and so are you, if you’re still here, reading this. Of course, that isn’t to say we’re going to stop anytime soon, so if you’ve enjoyed us thus far, stick around for more crazy adventures pulled (probably) out of our asses. We’re sure the Cumberbooty would approve.

\-----

Hom, Frogtits, and Smon Peeg all sprinted out of the surgical suite and raced out of the hospital as fast as they could. There was no way any of them were gonna let that pancreas thieving Cumberbooty escape. The pancreas itself was worth millions, after all. As they ran, they discussed their plans. 

“How are we going to get it back?” Smon asked, almost tripping on Hom’s heels.  
“Well, we first need to figure out where Benadryl Cabbagepatch went, and then we can decide-out our plan of action after” Hom said, panting, barely able to see through his new eyes. “Frogtits, can you do your thing?” Hom asked, turning to his sidekick, who was begrudgingly following behind him. Frogtits sighed, rubbing his forehead. “I suppose so.”  
He closed his eyes and stopped running. Hom and Smon stopped as well. Frogtits raised his hands up to the sky and took in a deep breath. He looked very majestical at that moment. Of course, it was ruined by the massive snorting sound coming from his hands a few moments later. Light poured from the sky, and into Frogtits’ body, and he began to glow. Then, he let his hands drop, and the light faded.

“What was that? Magic? It was beautiful!” Smon clapped his hands, causing his appendix hole to bleed a bit, watching Frogtits closely.  
“Yes. I was attempting to determine the location of the Cumberbooty, but was unfortunately not successful. We should regroup back at our place, and make plans” Frogtits advised, putting a hand to his face.

“Good idea. Mr. Peeg, please follow us. We’ll get you some clothes, too. I’m sure you wouldn’t be taken too kindly if you were to continue like that” Hom said, getting an eyeful of Smon’s naked, dickless, hairy, decomposing body.  
The hole where his pancreas had been was starting to close up and was no longer bleeding, but it was far from pretty.  
“I see. Lead the way,” Smon frowned, biting his dry, cracked lip. 

After arriving at the Tanks abode, Frogtits found Smon one of Hom’s old pink linen thongs to wear for the time being. Then, they gave him a large shirt to cover up his pancreas hole. 

“Now let’s get crackin’,” Hom said, putting his hands together, and grabbing a sheet of blank paper. He then took one of his smallest pens, which much resembled a dick, and began to write. His hand danced across the page, and the paper soon became riddled with holes and aimless scribbles.  
“The fuck is this?” Frogtits asked, raising an eyebrow.  
“Excuse me, I’m formulating an arousing plan right now, so if you could just back off,” Hom said, glaring up at Frogtits. Frogtits shrugged, sitting down on the nearby rocking chair. It nearly buckled under his weight, and all three of them heard the cracking of the wood as he sat. 

Meanwhile….

The thrum of musical instruments drowned out the vicious screaming in the background. Smee wondered how Wallop was fairing against those hooded junkies in the back of the concert hall. He sure hoped Wallop’s fist had healed from last day’s awful encounter with those horny blood-suckers.  
Even though the music was beautiful, Smee couldn’t help but wonder why the musicians all looked like they had died last Tuesday. It must have been the late hour. It was nearly three in the morning, after all.  
Smee and Wallop had gone on an accidental killing spree just a mere two weeks ago, causing the death of more than 420 people. It was almost as beautiful as the music when it happened. Bodies littered everywhere, some old, some young, some wrinkly, some oily.  
He especially enjoyed the multitudinous screams of horror as Smee peeled his face off at least ten times, in order to activate his special power: the power to freeze. He could freeze any object in time, forever, or for an instant, by simply peeling off the first layer of his face skin. It was painful but quite effective, and useful at times. Smee thought it might help Wallop just then, but he was enjoying the music too much to get up.

So, you may be wondering who Smee and Wallop are exactly. Well, they are the wonderful antagonists of this arousing story. While seemingly peachy as tits on the outside, this intriguing duo was on the hunt for something. Something very, very special, and very, very expensive. They didn’t dare utter the word ‘pancreas’ anywhere outside of their humble abode, lest an unwanted visitor decides to eavesdrop. Yes, you read that correctly. Smee and Wallop were on the hunt for a pancreas. Rather, the pancreas. The special, wonderful golden pancreas that was just recently stolen by Benadryl Cabbage patch. Coincidence? We think not…

“You’re getting nowhere with those. Let me try something,” Frogtits complained loudly, picking at his fingernail.  
“Never! Frogtits you sexy old ballsucker, you should know by now that I, Hom Tanks, will be the saviour yet again. I will get the pancreas back, now go play with one of your dildos” and with that, Hom patted the short man on the head as if he was nothing more than a dog.  
Furiously, Frogtits grabbed the unnecessarily large vibrator Smon was happily fucking himself with in the corner of the room and threw it at Testiclese.  
“You old herpes-riddled hobgoblin, you have no idea how to get the fucking pancreas back!” Frogtits screamed  
Hom turned towards his truly hideous companion and glared, opening his mouth as if to say something, but instead snorted so violently that both his nose balls and his chin balls shook and nearly fell off. Frogtits, unlike Smon, (who was so startled by the snort that he pissed himself a little) was unfazed by the ball-shaking outburst, and with an equally disgusted glare, he stood up, began twerking violently, and let out a snort so loud that Smon’s so recently reattached ass fell off again.  
“Look what you’ve done you hairy balled imbecile! You knocked his ass off again!” Hom exclaimed. “Exactly. Now we just have to wait,” replied Frogtits calmly.  
“Exactly!? What the hell do you mean, “exactly”? His ass is gone! Now I have to spend this valuable time trying to fix it instead of finding the pancreas!” Hom shouted, crawling seductively over to Smon, who was squealing over his yet again detached ass.  
“Hom Hom Hom, you really are as dumb as you look sometimes, you know that? Leave the ass alone you fuck, if you reattach it, we’ll have no way to get the sexy pancreas back!”  
Hom paused in mid crawl, leaving his large hairy dick and all his balls hanging and swaying for everyone in the room to see.  
“What do you mean? How in the mother of all fuck is his ass, which is currently on the fucking ground, supposed to find the pancreas?”  
“Oh my tits, have you already forgotten what happened the last time his ass fell off? Our almighty god of sexy asses came and fixed it. Now, remember what ass-man was doing before he fixed Smon’s voluptuous booty?”  
Hom let out an odd grunting noise, which was presumably a gasp, and turned towards Frogtits, the set of balls he used as eyes fixated on the shorter man.  
“He had the pancre-” hom began but was cut off by the sound of a very thicc ass smacking against the floor.  
The trio whipped around in shock, Hom’s balls swinging madly, and were met by the sight of the great and powerful Cumberbooty sitting on the floor, ass still jiggling, and a bloody pancreas hanging out of his pocket.  
“I AM HERE TO SAVE THE BEAUTIFUL ASS THAT HAS FALLEN FROM HEAVEN!”


End file.
